Second Chances and God's Mercy

I have to be honest I've been struggling a lot with Cursed Names and not in a good way either.  I've found that I've spent a majority of the time researching the Roman Empire and Russia instead of writing.  (In the book I'm recreating a sort of Roman Empire and the enemy of the Empire is Russia.  I know it sounds a bit crazy but trust me it will be awesome!)  There's a lot of other reasons for the issues I've been having researching is a pretty big one.  But the most important one is that I'm not ready to write Cursed Names yet.  I'm not saying it's because I have no idea what I'm doing or I'm not a good enough writer to do the things I'd like with the story.  It's because God's showed me that I'm not in a place to write the story.

Sounds strange, I know, but I understand why.  I've been praying about my life in the last few days and God has shown me a lot of things that I need to change.  A year and a half ago I had this job that I loved but I blew it and ended up getting fired, it's the reason I was unemployed in the first place.  Since then I've just felt like I failed in such a way that I was terrified I would just keep repeating the mistakes I made at that job.  It was that fear of failing that kept me from trying my absolute hardest to find a new job.  I turned into this coward that hid away from everything.  I stopped going to church, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped trying to get a job.  I let my fear of failure take over my life.  I became scared to even try finishing on of the many books I've started writing.  I had changed drastically from the girl who loved God, who went to Mexico to share the love of God with others, who fell in love with the mission field and wanted to go to many more places, who wanted nothing more than to go to Bible college, who wasn't afraid to take a leap of faith.  The more I time I spent thinking about the person I used to be and the person I turned into the more I hated myself.  I never blamed anyone but myself for the person I've become.  I blamed and hated myself.

For the last year and a half I believe that God's has been trying to get my attention and bring me back to Him.  I just never listened until a week ago.  I was pulled over by a cop and got a huge ticket for speeding and no insurance.  It was when I saw those flashing lights that I knew I had hit rock bottom.  As I drove home I kept thinking about how I was going to pay a 700 dollar ticket.  When I got home I sat on my bed and I just cried.  I cried because I was so angry with myself for allowing myself to fall so from the person I had been.  I cried because I felt like I would never be worthy of God's love.  God broke everything inside of me on that day and He told there was only one I could fix what had been done.  So I began to pray like I hadn't done in a very long time.  I poured out every idiotic choice, fear, hatred, and blame I had for myself.  I gave Him everything I had.

I told my parents about the ticket and they weren't angry which surprised me.  My dad looked over the ticket and told me to mail it out and try to get it mitigated so I won't have to pay the large fine and my driving record would remain clean.  He also agreed to pay for car insurance for three months and it was my to find a job in that time.  We talked for a bit and he told me that I need to pray because the only way this ticket and a job will be taken care of is if God handles it.  I knew he was right.  I needed to get myself back on track with God.  I prayed the rest of the night for God to show me how to get back to being the person I used to be.  And I prayed for mercy because God's mercy was the only way this ticket would be taken care of.

The next day I picked up my Bible and Every Day with Jesus by Greg Laurie and I read.  In Greg Laurie's book he talked about counting your blessing whenever trails come.  I couldn't help but smile at how perfect the topic was for what just happened.  I read Psalms 63: 3 and 4, "Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.  Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name."  After I read those verses I thought, that is exactly what I need to be doing.  So I thanked God for giving me that ticket and giving me that wake up call I had needed for so long.  I thanked Him for only giving me a ticket instead of something much worse, and I know deserved much worse.

I'm slowly coming back to the person I was.  I know it will take time.  There are a lot of things God needs to heal inside of me.  But I'm holding fast to God's word and never ceasing in my prayers.  I know God is going to make me into something better than I could ever imagine when all is said and done.  He's given me a second chance and I'm not going to waste it.

Which is what brings me to my writing.  I've felt God pressing on my heart to finishing writing this book I started years ago.  It's titled Mercy.  It's about God's mercy and second chances that are available to everyone.  I feel that God is telling me that it's time to crank this one out because of what I'm experiencing right now.  I originally put this one on hold because I needed more time to think over the characters and figure out how I was going to work in God's mercy as the main theme.  Well, God's shown me exactly how to that.  So I'm going to be working on that and I'm not going to stop until it's finished.  I'm still going to do research for Cursed Names but Mercy's taking center stage now.

(P.S. I'll keep you updated on the ticket thing and I'll be sure to tell you how Mercy is going.)

Rethinking the Important

I was unable to accomplish my second goal of having a complete draft of Cursed Names finished by May 6th. There are a lot of reasons for it but they all boil down to just one.  I did not pray and seek God's will before I made my goals.  I know it seems like a small, silly thing.  But to me it isn't.  Just about every major decision in my life I've made without praying and seeking God first have always blown up in my face.  Whether it was accepting a job, or choosing to date someone, or coming up with a plot for a book.  Without fail, if what I wanted wasn't in God's plan for me it ended badly.  Finished Cursed Names in the timing I wanted was definitely not what God wanted.

Last week I was house/babysitting for my cousins, who were on vacation.  Not only was I deprived of sleep, but I also stressed myself out way more than necessary trying to find time to write.  I had such a hard time writing that I ended up staring at my computer screen more than anything.  By day two of my staring at a blank screen I put my computer aside and did my devotions.  I hadn't set time aside for devotions for a few days and I really needed to refocus on what was important in my life (especially since everything felt like it was going wrong.)  I read the chapter titled the Secret of Contentment  in Every Day with Jesus by Greg Laurie, and let me tell you that really put things back in perspective for me.  The chapter talks about how we need to put aside what we want and seek God's kingdom first to find the things we need.  I'll admit reading the chapter and realizing I was doing just that really stung, like a thousand bees attacked me sort of thing.  So I took a step back and prayed about what I should do.  God helped me make a new more realistic second goal that I know I will be able to keep up with.

My goal is to write from 5,000 to 10,000 words everyday and to pray before I begin writing.

No dates.  No stressing myself out.  And no shutting God out.

This time I'm doing it His way not mine.